LILY TOMLIN –“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”  

LILY TOMLIN –“We’re the phone company. We don’t care. We don’t have to.”   

LILYTOMLIN –“The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way.”   

LIN YATANG – “Hope is like a road in country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.”

LIN YUTANG –“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”    

LIN YUTANG –“Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.”      

LIN YUTANG –“There is nothing more beautiful in this world than a healthy, wise old man.”   

LIN YUTANG –“When I was a boy I didn’t know anything. When I was in college, I thought I knew everything. When I graduated I realised I didn’t know anything. But in my middle age I thought I knew everything. In my old age, I realised again I don’t know anything.”   

LINDA DIREZZI –“Everything is alright in the end. If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end.”

LINDA RAY –“…. if you have the courage to look beyond suffering, you find strength.”   

LINUS PAULING –“The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.”  

LISA MARIE  PRESLEY –“I don’t attempt to sound like my father —I do my own thing.”    

LIVY- “Men’s plans should be regulated by the circumstances, not circumstances by the plans.”

LIZ CARPENTER –“Instead of looking at life as a narrowing funnel, we can see it ever widening to choose the things we want to do, to take the wisdom we’ve learned and create something.”

LIZ CARPENTER –“What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can’t re-read a phone call.”     

LLOYD DOUGLAS –“If a man harbours any sort of fear it makes him landlord to a ghost.”  

LOCILLI BALL –“If you want to know how much I love and care for you, count the waves.”           

LOCKE ERICH – “He that has not a mastery over his inclinations; he that knows not how to resist the importunity of present pleasure or pain, for the sake of what reason tells him is fit to be done, wants the true principle of virtue and industry, and is in danger of never being good for anything.”     

LOESJE –“At the end of my salary I always have a lot of month left.”    

LOGAN PEARSALL SMITH –“Solvency is entirely a matter of temperament and not of income.”    

LOGON PEARSALL SMITH –“Youth is the time for adventures of the body, but age for the triumph of mind.”  

LONGCHENPA –“Since everything is but an apparition, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.”

LONGFELLOW –“All your strength is in your union; your danger is in discord.”  

LONGFELLOW –“Came the Spring with all its splendour, All its birds and all its blossoms, All its flowers, and leaves, and grasses.”

LONGFELLOW- “Fame comes only when deserved, and than is as inevitable as destiny, for it is Destin.”

LONGFELLOW –“I was Easter Sunday the full-blossomed trees filled all the air with fragrance and with joy.”

LOO TZU- “Be gentle and you can be bold; be frugal and you can be liberal; avoid putting yourself before others and you can become a leader among men.”

LOPE DE VEGA –“With a few flowers in my garden, half a dozen pictures and some books, I live without envy.”

LORD ACTON –“Liberty is the prevention of control by others. This requires self-control and, therefore, religious and spiritual influences; education, knowledge, well-being.”        

LORD ACTON –“The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.”      

LORD BHIKHU PAREKH –“While patriotism must be evoked, it is important to remember that the diaspora has its own legitimate interests… India’s strength is its cultural universalism and not cultural nationalism. India would be untrue to itself if it ever forgot that it was an open society.”  

LORD BRYON –“Though I love my country, I do not love my countrymen.”  

LORD BRYON –“To have joy one must share it. Happiness was born a twin.”

LORD BUDDHA –“Only sacred thoughts can lead to sacred speech. The tongue has been given to man to speak the truth, to be sweet to others, to praise the Divine and enjoy the bliss derived from such sacred speech.”

LORD BYRON –“In her first passion women loves her lover. In all the others all she loves is love.”

LORD BYRON –“Romances paint at full length people’s wooing, but only give a bust of marriages; but no one cares for matrimonial cooing.”   

LORD BYRON –“The beginning of atonement is the sense of its necessity.”   

LORD BYRON –“To have joy one must share it. Happiness was born a twin.”

LORD BYRON –“What if fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little.”   

LORD CHASTERFIELD- “Cunning is the dark sanctuary of incapacity.”

LORD CHASTERFIELD- “If you are not in fashion, you are nobody.”

LORD CHESTERFIELD –“A man may if he knows not have to save as he gets, keep his nose to the grind stone.”

LORD CHESTERFIELD –“An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult.” 

LORD CHESTERFIELD –“An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult.”  

LORD CHESTERFIELD- “Unlike my subject, will I frame my song. It shall be witty and it shan’t be long.”

LORD CURZON –“India has left a deeper mark upon the history, philosophy and religions of mankind than any other terrestrial unity in the universe.”  

LORD DAVID CECIL-“The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.”

LORD GEORGE BROWN –“It is difficult to go on strike if there is no work in the first place.”  

LORD JEFFERY –“Beware prejudices. They are like rats and man’s minds are like traps; prejudices get in easily; but it is doubtful if they ever get out.”  

LORD JOHN RUSSELL- “If peace can not be maintained with honor, it is no longer peace.”

LORD LONGFORD –“The male sex still constitutes in many ways the most obstinate vested interest one can find.”   

LORD MAHAVIRA –“Anger, pride, deceit and greed are the four powerful enemies which stimulate sinful deeds. One who desires the welfare of his self should renounce these four flaws… Faith, knowledge and conduct together constitute the path of liberation; this is the path to be followed. The saints have averred that if it is foll
owed in the right way it will lead to liberation, otherwise it will lead to bondage.”          

LORD MAHAVIRA –“By scriptural study one acquires knowledge, is fixed in religion and helps others to be so fixed. Thus by studying multifarious sutras he becomes absorbed in the contemplation of what is expounded therein.”           

LORD MAHAVIRA –“I surrender this body for the sake of my soul. This body is not mine. With this feeling I shall use my body. To cross a river, a boat is needed. I shall use my body as a boat to cross the river of life. I shall bear all the pangs of suffering by being immersed in the soul.”

LORD MANCROFT –“Cricket — a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of eternity.”         

LORD PARKER- “A judge is not supposed to any thing about the facts of life until they have been presented in evidence and explained to him at least three times.”

LORD TENNYSON –“I chatter, chatter, as I flow, to join the brimming river, for men may come and men may go, But I go on forever.”

LORD TENNYSON -“I found Him in the shining of the stars I marked Him in the flowering of his fields But in His ways with men I find Him not.”     

LOREN –“There is a fountain of youth; it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life.”   

LORI GORDON –“Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.”    

LORI VALIGRA –“It took 75 years for telephones to be used by 50 million customers, but it took only four years for the Internet.”   

LORRIE MORGAN –“When you stop dreaming, you stop living.”  

LORRY GROSS –“Living’s merely the stage/untutored actors age on —/ nothing sage, nothing profound/ happens, only drowned emotions/ some uncrowned king inside/ continues to hide, refuses/to stride the world unfettered, flag unfurled against/ fate’s hurled arrows, cannot/ invent his plot, must/ speak what is penned/ for him, suspend himself,/ amend, pretend until he/ becomes someone free, someone/striding Galilee, crowned messiah/ in a world he never meant to be.”      

LORRY WILCOX –“I like to sit back and take in nature. To look at the birds, listen to their singing, go hiking, camping and jogging and running, walking along the beach, playing games and sometimes being alone with the great outdoors. It’s very special to me.”          

LORRY WILDE –“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”   

LOTUS SUTRA –“A gracious cloud full of moisture;/ Lightning-flames flash and dazzle,/ Voice of thunder vibrates afar,/ Bringing joy and ease to all./ The sun’s rays are veiled,/ And the earth is cooled;/ The cloud lowers and spreads/ As if it might be caught and gathered;/ It’s rain everywhere equally/ Descends on all sides,/ Streaming and pouring unstinted,/ Permeating the land.”     

LOTUS SUTRA –“From the one water which Issued from that cloud, Plants, trees, /thickets, forests, According to their need receive moisture. All the various trees,… Each according to its size, Grows and develops… Wherever the one rain reaches, All become fresh and glossy According as their bodies, forms And natures are great or small, So the enriching rain, Though it is one and the same, Yet makes each of them flourish. In like manner also the Buddha Appears here in the world, Like unto a great cloud Universally covering all things; And having appeared in the world, He, for the sake of the living, Discriminates and proclaims The truth in regard to all laws. The Great Holy World-honoured One Proclaims: I am the Tathagata, The Most Honoured among men; I appear in the world Like unto this great cloud, To pour enrichment on all Parched living beings, To free them from their misery To attain the joy of peace, Joy of the present world, And joy of Nirvana… I preach the Law equally; As I preach to one person, So I preach to all… Never am I weary of Pouring it copious on the world, Like the all-enriching rain.”

LOTUS SUTRA –“The Dwelling of the Tathagata is the great compassionate heart within all the living. The Role of the Tathagata is the gentle and forbearing heart. That seat of the Tathagata is the spirituality of all existence.” 

LOU ERICKSON –“Gardening requires a lot of water — most of it is in the form of perspiration.”  

LOU HOLTZ –“Ability is what you are capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”   

LOU HOLTZ –“If you don’t make a total commitment to whatever you’re doing, then you start looking to bail out the first time the boat starts leaking. It’s tough enough getting that boat to shore with everybody rowing, let alone when a guy stands up and starts putting his jacket on… All winning teams are goal-oriented. Teams like these win consistently because everyone connected with them concentrates on specific objectives. They go about their business with blinders on; nothing will distract them from achieving their aims.”   

LOU REED- “Just a perfect day/ you made me forget myself/ I thought I was/ someone else, someone good.”

LOUIS A ALIEN –“The greatest potential for controlling the ends is to exist at the point where action takes place.”         

LOUIS D BRANDEIS –“The only title in our democracy superior to that of president is the title of citizen.”       

LOUIS KRONENBERG –“For young people today things move so fast there is no problem of adjustment. Before you can adjust to A, B has appeared leading by the hand, and with D in the distance.”   

LOUIS KRONENBERGER –“The technique of winning is so shoddy the terms of winning are so ignoble, the tenure of winning; is so brief; and the specter of the has-been — a shameful rather than a pitiable sight today—brings a sudden chill even to our sunlit moments.”

LOUIS LEMERY –“It’s strengthening, restorative, and apt to repair decayed strength and make people strong.”           

LOUIS PASTEUR –“Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity.”   

LOUIS PASTEUR –“When meditating over a disease, I never think of finding a remedy for it, but, instead, a means of preventing it.”  

LOUISA M. ALCOTT –“Work is and always has been my salvation, and I thank the Lord for it.”  

LOUISA MAY ALCOTT –“Far way there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.”

LOUISE BROOKS –“Excellence comes at a result of ceaseless concentration.”

LOUISE ERICKSON –“Kisses may not spread germs, but they certainly lower resistance.”

LOUISE L HAY –“Can you imagine what a whole generation of adults would be like if they had been taught these subjects in school?… We would have happy people who feel good about themselves. We would have people who are comfortable financially and who enrich the economy by investing their money wisely.”

LOUISE L HAY –“I have never understood the importance of having children memories battle dates… Instead,
we could teach them important subjects such as How the Mind Works, How to Handle Finances, How to Invest Money for Financial Security How | to be a Parent, How to Create Good Relation ships, and How to Create and Maintain Self Esteem and Self-Worth.” 

LOUISE L HAY –“Imagine yourself in line at a…buffet in a luxurious hotel, where instead of dishes of food, there are dishes of thoughts. You get to choose any and all the thoughts you wish. These thoughts will create your future experiences.”  

LOUISE L HAY –“Now, if you choose thoughts that will create problems and pain, that’s rather foolish. It’s like choosing food that always makes you ill. We may do this once or twice, but as soon as we learn which foods upset our bodies, we stay away from them. It’s the same with thoughts. Let us stay away from thoughts that create problems and pain…”  

LOUISE L HAY –“What are you thinking right now? If your thoughts shape your life, would you want what you were just thinking right now to become true for you? If it’s a thought of worry or anger or hurt or revenge or fear, how do you think this thought will not come back to you?…”   

LOUISE L HAY –“What are you thinking right now? If…your thoughts shape your life, would you want what you were just thinking right now to become true for you? If it’s a thought of worry or anger or hurt or revenge or fear, how do you think this thought will not come back to you?… Imagine yourself in line at a…buffet in a luxurious hotel, where instead of dishes of food, there are dishes of thoughts. You get to choose any and all the thoughts you wish. These thoughts will create your future experiences. Now, if you choose . thoughts that will create problems and pain, that’s I rather foolish. It’s like choosing food that always makes you ill… It’s the same with thoughts. Let us stay away from thoughts that create problems and pain… I have never understood the importance of having children memorise battle \ dates… Instead, we could teach them important subjects such as How the Mind Works, How to Handle Finances, How to be a Parent, How to Create Good Relationships… Can you imagine what a whole generation of adults would belike if they had I been taught these subjects in school?… We would have happy people who feel good about themselves. We would have people who are comfortable financially and who enrich the economy by investing their money wisely.”     

LOUISE NEVELSON –“I never feel age — if you have creative work, you don’t have age or time.”  

LOVE TROTSKY –“One must know the limitations offorce; one must know when to blend a blow with an agreement.”

LUBBOCK –“There is, however, a true music of Nature —the song of the birds, the whisper of leaves, the ripple of waters upon a sandy shore, the wail of wind or sea.” 

LUCIANO DE CRESCENZO –“We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another.”

LUCILLE BALL –“Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact , that’s good taste.”

LUCILLE BALL –“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.”   

LUCILLE BALL –“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”  

LUCILLE GAMBRELL –“You are God’s special gift to the world. You are a bright and shining star. When you look into your eyes in the mirror each morning, tell yourself, I am hope. I am joy. I am free. I am happy. I am love. More important, I am me.”

LUCILLE HARPER –“The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about the other people.”

LUCY –“ Pear God, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?”

LUCY BENINGTON –“Opportunities are everywhere. The recession might be drawing to a close, but its continuing legacy is employer’s reliance on short-term staff. There may be fewer jobs for life, but there are more jobs in a lifetime.”  

LUCY VAN PELT –“All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!”        

LUDWIA VAN BEETHOVEN-“O, life is so beautiful but to me it is poisoned.”

LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN –“I despise a world which does not feel that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy”         

LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN –Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy, it is the wine of a new procreation, and I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for men and makes them drunk with the spirit.” 

LUDWIG VON BEETHOVEN –“0 friends! Not these sounds! But let us strike up more pleasant sounds and more joyful!” 

LUDWIG VON BEETHOVEN –“Do you come crashing down, you millions? Do you sense the Creator’s presence, world? Seek Him above the starry firmament, For above the stars he surely dwells.” 

LUDWIG VON BEETHOVEN –“Embrace each other now, you millions! The kiss is for the whole wide world! Brothers — over the starry firmament A beloved Father must surely dwell.”

LUDWIG VON BEETHOVEN –“I will seize Fate by the throat. It will not wholly conquer me! Oh, how beautiful it is to live—and live a thousand times over!”   

LUDWIG VON BEETHOVEN –“Joy is drunk by every creature From Nature’s fair and charming breast; Every being, good or evil, Follows in her rosy steps. Kisses she gave to us, and vines, And one good friend, tried in death; The serpent she endowed with base desire And the cherub stands before God…”

LUDWIG VON BEETHOVEN –“Joy, 0 wondrous spark divine, Daughter of Elysium, Drunk with fire now we enter, Heavenly one, your holy shrine. Your magic powers join again What fashion strictly did divide; Brotherhood unites all men Where your gentle wings spread wide…”

LUDWIG VON MISES –“Economics is not about things and tangible material objects; it is about men, their meanings and actions.”   

LUDWIG VON MISES –“There’s no such thing as a mixed economy, a system that would stand midway be

Ms. Bradley stated the citizens provided be treated improve due for the bitterness them rally due for concerts and football competition existence execute at Croke garden.
“We have everything the land and sewage afterwards the concerts, bottles hurled Inner gardens and person urinating in gardens,” Ms. Bradley, who was perspective for Robbie Williams tickets to herself and her son, stated.

Ticket brokers divert in buying and trading tickets to everything major party. The tickets them vend are generally tall than surface value. However, them have great preferences and could artificial extraordinary accommodations. Purchase Robbie Williams 2010 tickets from brokers.

Vend Robbie Williams Tickets – when you has an extra Robbie Williams ticket, post it to sale on our site – it’s a independent service!

Pop singer Robbie Williams is popping Inner a town adjacent you and Robbie tickets are sure to vend rates! Robbie Williams’s tickets are ready to each one of his stops on his world tourism and we have your Robbie Williams tickets really here! Robbie Williams concerts maybe not render you “A location for broke,” but them shall performance you a fine moment! Able your Robbie Williams tickets previous it is also late!

 

“He who makes his companions laugh deserves Paradise.”

 

The store customer really loved the pair of shoes that the salesman showed to him but, on trying them on he found that they were much too tight. “No problem,” said the salesman. “Just wait here for a few minutes.” The salesman then gave the shoes to one of his assistants who proceeded to run up and down the stairs for the next twenty minutes. When the assistant returned, the salesman gave them to the customer to try on and he agreed that they now fitted perfectly. IF THE SHOE WEARS, FIT IT.

 

During the French revolution, the peasants captured a rich Count. They tortured him, trying to get him to reveal where his treasure was stashed but he would not tell them. They decided to scare him just enough to get him to talk so they led him out to the guillotine and placed his head on the slab. They told him that they would kill him if he didn’t answer but one of the guards accidentally pulled the rope and the Count was killed proving that you should NEVER HACHET YOUR COUNTS UNTIL THEY’RE CHICKEN

 

In Canada a dentist used to go fishing in a stream frequented by dangerous grisly bears. When asked how it was that he was never attacked he replied that he injected some fish with sedatives and threw them to the animals, adding THERE’S SAFETY IN NUMB BEARS

 

There was a small country where the king was overthrown. After the revolution, the people were searching for him because he had gone into hiding. One of his close friends allowed him to hide in the greenhouse of his country home. The king had insisted on taking his gold throne with him and enjoyed sitting in it in the greenhouse, thinking of better times. One day a passing peasant noticed him and reported him to the authorities. The king was arrested and executed which goes to show that PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN’T STOW THRONES.

 

In Saudi Arabia a company was prospecting for oil and instructed the manager to check ten wells. The manager started with the first well and came up with nothing. The same with the next and the next etc for several months until at the last well he finally struck oil. He thought that the boss would be happy with him but instead he was fired. The boss told him that he had wasted too much time because he should have known that THE OIL WELL ‘S THAT END WELL.

 

 

President Bush visited a naval station to inspect a new warship and expected to receive a hero’s welcome. Instead he was booed and given rude signals by the whole crew. He was so incensed that he ordered two crew members to be immediately sent to solitary. The rest of the crew was not discouraged. They insisted that it was WORTH TWO HANDS TO GIVE BUSH THE BIRD.

 

A rich man had a lot of sympathy for the Spanish Basques. On a visit to one of their enclaves, he offered to build them a large auditorium where they could hold meetings etc. As soon as the building was completed they held an opening ceremony there and the place was packed. During the ceremony, somehow a fire started and in the ensuing panic many people were killed trying to get out through the front door which was the only way in or out.  One should remember to NEVER PUT ALL YOUR BASQUES IN ONE EXIT.

 

The prince was given a magic goblet by a friendly wizard. “Remember.” he was told. “This goblet will dispense magic potions and will be your assistant in running the country but it will not work until you are proclaimed king because IT NEVER POURS UNTIL IT REIGNS.”

 

The millionaire’s wife was late for her hair appointment so hired a helicopter to rush her into town. As she remarked, “THE WHIRLY BIRD GETS THE PERM.”

 

The local headmaster had political ambitions and borrowed heavily to make a run for office. Unfortunately nobody voted for him and he ended up losing his home and all his possessions. HE SHOULD HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS A HEAD.

 

It appears that having sex uses about the same amount of energy as a long brisk walk so remember… A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A MILE.

 

Peter Wise and his wife Penny were walking through a bad area of town when a man mistook her for a rival gang member and started to beat up on her. Her husband drew out a gun and told the man that he had made a mistake and said that it was FOOLISH TO POUND PENNY WISE.

 

Mick Jagger was strolling across the brow of a hill when he spied Kate Moss below. Trying to impress her, he lay down and rolled down the hill arriving at her feet. Kate

was not impressed and just strode away from him. You see A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS.

 

One of the studio underlings was insanely jealous of the star singer.

He decided to substitute his throat medicine with water so that he would be unable to perform. However the star’s voice was not unduly affected so the show went on normally. You see YOU CAN HAVE THE LEAD DRINK WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM HOARSE.

 

 

The airport traffic was severely disrupted when the blonde, female controller failed to turn up at the tower but instead was seen walking around below holding up an “ON STRIKE” placard. The manager went down to talk to her. “What is it with you Mary?’ he complained. “Our union went to arbitration and got a good salary for you and we have a nice bunch of people here working with you. What exactly is your problem?”

   “Well, explained the girl,” I was doing my laundry early this morning and at the same time reading the pamphlet that you gave to us about work attitudes. I read about keeping your best foot forward and your shoulder to the wheel and then I came to STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT

 

Albert Ree was a nice fellow who was a photographer for a major magazine. On an assignment to the jungle of Colombia he disappeared. Several search parties were organized but to no avail. Several years later, another photographer who knew Albert slightly was working in the same area. Straying from the beaten path in search of anything interesting, he wandered into a clearing where he spied a man feeding the chickens. Although this man had a long beard it was obvious that this was in fact Albert. The photographer rushed up to him joyfully proclaiming “AH, SWEET MISTER REE OF LIFE, AT LAST I’VE FOUND YOU.”

 

A burglar broke into a house looking for money. He noticed a cupboard with many gold chains in it. He opened the unlocked cupboard and grabbed the gold but was unaware that it was connected to a high voltage source which immediately zapped him. When he woke up the house owner was standing over him and said “SORRY, IT’S BETTER THAN TO BE A SAFE.”

 

Penny Jones treated her weak husband so badly that he finally summoned up the courage to walk out on her. After he got a divorce, he left town and started a new life, finally meeting a really nice girl who he proposed to. In the middle of the wedding ceremony, his ex-wife turned up shouting and screaming, completely shattering the calm of the wedding. You see A BAD PENNY ALWAYS TURNS UP.

 

The golf club was having a big problem with vandals who were bent on destroying the turf. The manager decided to circle the entire course with a strong chain link fence. However the vandals managed to cut through some weak parts and continue their destruction. A LINK IS NO STRONGER THAN ITS WEAKEST CHAIN.

 

A group of kids wanted to hold a rave but didn’t have any money. They approached one of the local rich kids and convinced him that if he financed the gathering they would provide him with a bunch of beautiful girls who would do his bidding. The rave took place but the kid never got the girls. You see A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTIED. 

 

A man wanted to have some fresh fish but the local stores were closed and he didn’t
like to eat in restaurants.  He called a lady friend who offered to cook a nice meal for him. You see A PLAICE IS IN THE WOMAN’S HOME.

 

The three film stars and their entourage were traveling in Italy when the engine of their car blew up. Their only way of proceeding for the last few miles was on horseback. You could say that ALL LEADS RODE TO ROME.

 

Nine sailors were in big trouble when their sail ripped apart on the high seas. They searched everywhere in the hold but could not find anything useful to make the repair. Finally they came across some old magazines and sewed those together to make a temporary repair and then limped back to port. You see sometimes A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE

 

Two men were on a small boat on the high seas when it capsized and sank. They both managed to swim ashore but to two different islands. One man was hated by his family and when they heard he was missing, celebrated and didn’t lift a finger to help him. The other man was adored by HIS family and they raised enough money to search for him until he was found. You see IT’S BETTER TO BE LOST AND LOVED THAN NOT TO HAVE BEEN LOVED AT ALL

 

The ace football player was invited to a team party but decided that he didn’t want to go. The team captain was furious with him and immediately went to his house to inform him that ALL GOOD ENDS MUST COME TO A THING

 

The nurse was surprised when she opened a large cupboard in the doctor’s office and found that it was stuffed full of fruit. It appeared that THE DOCTOR KEEPS AN APPLE A DAY AWAY

 

The prisoner convicted of sexual offences spent his entire sentence stitching mailbags because AS YOU RAPE, SO SHALL YOU SEW

 

Returning from a trip, the owner found the house was so dirty that she immediately fired the maid. GRIME DOES NOT PAY

 

The young man had been going out with his girlfriend for a few months when, one day he developed a really big sore on his thigh which confined him to his bed. His girlfriend took such good care of him, washing and feeding him that he realized that he really loved her and asked her to marry him. You see, ABSCESS MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

 

The Eskimo was really fed up with the constant cold so went to visit the local fortune teller. “Drink this magic potion” he was told, “and the sun will heat up, the ice will disappear and it will be extremely hot. The man went home and drank the liquid but nothing happened. ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT A SUMMER MAKE

 

A man was sitting at home waiting for his blind date to arrive. Just as she rang his doorbell, the power went out. He staggered over to the door, fumbled with the lock and let her in. “What’s your name?” he enquired. My name is Dawn,” the girl replied. “I might have guessed,” muttered the man. “IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE DAWN.”

 

After he broke up with his girlfriend, she ran her truck into his car, shot his dog and then set fire to his house. Attempting to locate his ex, the man went with the police to the girl’s mother and explained to her what had happened. She wouldn’t believe that her daughter had done such a thing, telling him “Hell, a woman scorned hath no fury like that.”

 

The charity organization decided to donate a dental surgeon’s services to a poor country. All the media gathered there to watch the man perform on his first patient. Unfortunately the dentist developed a terrible cold and sore throat preventing him from operating. A HOARSE GIFT NEVER LOOKS IN THE MOUTH.

 

The president of a large corporation was involved in a big scandal when it was discovered that he had a young, male lover living in her apartment. The story was all over the newspapers including the corporate name. A COMPANY IS KNOWN BY THE MAN HE KEEPS.

 

The homeless man was discovered living on the beach in a large structure, complete with moat and towers that he had made out of sand. You could say that A MAN’S CASTLE IS HIS HOME

 

A visitor from Czechoslovakia was at the Bronx zoo when he slipped and fell into the lion pit. He was immediately devoured by one of the lions. Witnesses were not sure whether it was the lion or the lioness that ate the man, so the investigators decided to use an x-ray. Their final decision was that it was in fact the lion that was responsible. You could say that THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE.

 

The king was holding court surrounded by his jesters. One of his enemies attempted to assassinate him, firing an arrow from the tower but hit one of the jesters by mistake. As the king said, your must KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU

 

A man traveling in the back of a jeep on an African safari, bounced out of his seat into the road and was devoured by a bunch of lions. Sometimes a FALL COMES BEFORE A PRIDE

 

The occupants of Fort Blanche were going crazy, Every night they heard a voice repeating…one, two three, four…First of all they thought that someone was hiding in the moat so they drained it but the voice kept on …seven eight, nine, ten… Then they thought that maybe the guards were responsible so they executed them…twenty one, twenty two, twenty three…Finally they went to the high priest who explained that this had been going on for centuries and that they should understand that IT’S THE FORT THAT COUNTS

 

“Thank you,” said the prostitute as her client left and handed her the money. “IT WAS A BUSINESS DOING PLEASURE WITH YOU.”

 

After a series of robberies, the police arrested the occupants of a duplex who were working together. They believed that GOOD NEIGHBOURS MAKE GOOD FENCES

 

A man was driving down a country road, when his car hit a large rabbit. He got out of the car and saw the animal writhing on the ground. He couldn’t decide whether to try to help it or to kill it and put it out of its misery. Just then another driver stopped his car and came over. He took one look and went back to his car and returned with a bottle and fed the contents into the rabbit’s mouth. Immediately the animal jumped up and ran off into the woods.

   “That’s fantastic,” exclaimed the first man. “You must be a veterinarian. What did you give the rabbit?”

   “Actually,” came the reply, “I’m a hairdresser,” as he showed him the bottle of HAIR RESTORER.

A man visited a fortune teller and held out his palms to be read. “I have some good news for you,” smiled the gypsy. “You are going to come into a lot of money today!” The man stood up and slapped the woman across the face. “What the hell are you doing?” she demanded. “Well,” replied the man calmly, “I was always told to STRIKE A HAPPY MEDIUM.”